The Brown Pants Grotto  
Travel Writing
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~ Pants, This One's For You ~

I was sitting in the Eagle one Friday, sucking on a glass of wine, when in walked this chick who almost struck me blind.

She had wet brown eyes and her legs were long and fine; on a scale of one to ten I’d give her a nine!

Now on my scale there ain’t no tens you know
  Nine’s about as far as any chick can go.  

  So I flashed her a smile but she didn’t even look at me,
So for brains and good judgement, I gave her a three

I said "Hey Sweet thing, you look like a possible eight; you and me, we could make eighteen, if you’re heads on straight!"

She looked up and down my perfect frame and said these words that burned into my perfect brain:

  She said, “Well another one of those machomatician men, the kind who grade all women on a scale of one to ten.
You give me an eight, well that’s a generous thing to do, now let’s just see just how much I give you.”
  She said “You’re coming onto me with that corny numbers jive
You’re style makes me smile: I give it a five.
    When you walked up I noticed that suit of yours
Its last year’s, white polyester, frayed cuff: I give it a four.

That must be your car parked up on the kerb;
A 1.2 liter Honda Civic?

Three and a third.

  That wine you’re pouring might be fine to you,
But I’m used to fine champagne, I give it two.

But its that struttin’ rooster act that really makes me laugh.
It may be a ten to these country hen’s, but to me? Three and a half.

There really ain’t much to add once the subtraction's done
And since there ain’t no zero’s, I give you a one.”
Well she walked out while up and down the line
The whole bar was laughing saying “Pants, what happened to your nine?”
“Nine?” says I, “Hell as soon as she started to talk I knew.. She didn’t have no class, I barely gave her a two.”

Yeah no matter how good they look at first, there’s flaws in all of them
That’s why on my scale of ten to one, my friend, there ain’t no tens.

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